“You know, I wanted to leave you with the memory of the good beneath the gaudy, the saint beneath the paint, the pure little soul that lurks beneath this lurid exterior… but then again I figured: F**K ‘EM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE!” -Bette Midler

The Divine Miss M

“In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say “scientists”? I meant ‘Irish people.’” -Tina Fey

“I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it’s good to grow up that way. It builds character.”